Monthly Archives: October 2008

I always end up liking … that never belongs to me

I have never the been the perfect person I always wanted to be. And I dont know why I end up doing things that I never thought I would. I just feel too strongly about this today..and most likely many would not get head or tail of this post…but still i feel i should write it, and i will write it.

Since coming to NTU, my life has never been the same again.ok I agree that i was this crazy ever since I started my school life. But here, it has changed in many ways. I always thought , and frequently I had this dream that when I enter my university, I ll get my best friend. And ya, it would be the person with whom I can share everything, every single thought of mine, every crazy belief, my numerous aspirations, my dreams and my weird ideas. Someone whom I can trust with every emotion. Someone for whom I would be clear inside out.

And when I did, I almost found that person.I found that person who completely mesmerised me. For all the time I was completely engrossed in her thoughts. I could not believe that I could be involved in somebody else’s life with that passion. I could not believe what I was doing. May be, for some time, I thought, I found the one about whom I had been thinking day and night.

But here comes the crazy part. And this is the damn hard truth which always hurts me, which never leaves my mind, which always makes me feel helpless. I knew all along she could never be with me.I had never known her properly. No matter what, I can never be with her.

my bad luck. my screwed life.

Things went cold and things went sour. We drifted apart. We are far. As far as the distance between us.

Its like a broken piece of china hastily put together. Appears 1 piece from far. but if you examine it closely, there’s a ¬†crack. A crack which shall always make sure that piece of china becomes worthless forever.

And though I feel a lot of things, there’s little what I can do. May be allow time to heal all wounds. May be forget the whole episode.But its been a year now, and I doubt I would ever be able to forget that time. I am a human, and howsomuch I may wish to have a shift+ delete button for my brain, I can never have it.

So all I am left is with ignoring it all the while I go about leading my life in my amazing university. I love this city and my university. Its all that I had imagined what my university would be like.Expect for, of course, the little part. The little important part. The part that was to shape my life. And that little part has left a huge hollow in my life. I miss the little part day and night. For it was this part that actually was the center of my life, for quite some time. And this part somehow made me realise that even I can be desperate, even I can feel loneliness.

Sometimes I feel I do not live in a practical world.I speculate far too much. I Think too much. And what I think , I know is never achievable. I dream of a world in peace. I once dreamt of becoming the first man on mars. Laugh as much as you want,but these are the things I like. These are things that take my breath away. These are things that give me some inspiration to fight for. These are the things for which I can do anything. But alas! they never belong to me.

Why ? I wouldn’t know. But I know this much : it will not stop anytime soon.



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